


Carbonated WiFi

by silentwhisper002



Category: Angie's Loaf Gang
Genre: Its all just chaos, You're not getting any context, based off a group chat, be afraid, this makes no sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentwhisper002/pseuds/silentwhisper002
Summary: Apparently Carbonated Water gives you unlimited wifi
Kudos: 3





	Carbonated WiFi

It was a rather nice day in Loaf Land, the birds were chirping, the sun was warm in the summer sky, and the wifi was fully functional. 

Angie was sitting on the bread couch (also known as the loaf-a) of her never-melting ice cream fort, where she resided with her loaf children. 

She’d been half-way paying attention to whatever program was playing on the television—she was pretty sure it was a rerun of Little Einsteins, but was too lazy to check—while mindlessly scrolling through twitter. 

Her half-open eyes flicked over the countless memes, album updates, and simp tweets that were scattered across her timeline, not really absorbing what she was reading, until one tweet in particular caught her attention. 

Displayed on her screen was an image of Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat of All Time Low, together in a kitchen, holding what looked to be bottles of alcohol. 

The caption claimed that they were together to make a drink of sorts as promo for something, but Angie knew better. 

Being the queen of Loaf Land, sometimes you have to do your research in order to keep your land safe from potential threats, and the All Time Low boys suspiciously congregating, was far past an Avenger’s level threat. 

You see, some may not know this, but All Time Low was secretly plotting to take over the world. They’d been on Angie’s radar for a while now. 

She’d watched from a distance as they gathered up armies of goats, dogs, random strangers who happened to have a taste for White Claw, and health food employees.

Another tweet coming through only confirmed her suspicions. 

One of her mutual friends had just announced that Rian was also traveling.

This was not good

This was not good at all.

Angie did her best not to drop her phone as she abruptly stood. 

“DJ!” She yelled, trying not to let the panic in her voice seep through. 

DJ’s black and green head of hair appeared from around the corner when called. 

“You summoned me?”

Angie held out her phone for DJ to take a closer look. 

The girl approached her, squinting to read as Angie was an idiot and still used light mode. 

Once the message was received, DJ’s eyes widened. 

“We need to warn the others.”

Angie nodded, her tone grave as she spoke, “Round up the horses, and break out the bread armor.”

“Got it.” DJ confirmed, turning to leave. 

“WAIT!” The Loaf Mother shouted before her friend could disappear completely.

DJ paused in the doorway, glancing over her shoulder.

“Tell Jackie to get her elephant. We’re going to need all the help we can get.”

DJ nodded, not questioning a single word as she rounded the corner, vanishing behind a wall of mint chocolate chip ice-cream.

Angie squared her shoulders as she prepared to warn the others. 

Returning her attention to her phone, she re-opened the twitter app, and accessed the Loaf Gang group chat. 

Angie: We have a level 36 emergency 

Oat was the first to reply.

Oat: You can’t mean-

Jackie: I KNEW IT

Jackie: I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO CONSULT REDDIT THIS TIME

Angie could hear a loud commotion coming from the upper level of the ice cream fort, and the pounding of foot taps as her loaf children practically jumped over each other, attempting to come down the stairs. DJ followed in a more civilized manner behind them. 

“Loaf Mother, is it true? Have All Time Low really assembled.” Jaz pressed, peering around Oat, who’s three foot fruit hat made it hard for her to see.

Angie rubbed her temples with her hands, pacing back and forth. 

“If they haven’t already, they will soon. We need to act quickly. Loaf Land is home to the super special secret ingredient in White Claw. I have no doubt they will come for us first.”

Jackie’s eyes went rounder than a cheese wheel. “But, that’s the carbonated water! We need it to run our wifi!” 

Talia, who’d been silently observing from the back, placed a comforting hand on Jackie’s shoulder. 

“Don’t worry. It won’t come to that. Our armies are ready.”

Angie surveyed her loyal comrades, “So then we all know what must be done?”

Her loaf children nodded in unison.

Angie clapped her hands together in satisfaction. “Good. Then let's get to work.”

* * *

Alex paced back and forth across the width of Jack’s kitchen. The owner of said kitchen was rummaging around in his wine tree house while Zack stood in the corner, polishing his kale sword with a menacing glare. They were waiting for Rian, who’d yet to show up. 

“Jack! How long does it take you to get a bottle of damn rosé?!” Alex yelled impatiently.

“I gotta get through all the white claw first!” Jack responded, “Give me two seconds!”

“You said that four seconds ago.” Alex grumbled. 

Jack made an incomprehensible noise, as if he were saying something else, but a knock on the apartment door cut him off. 

“That’d be Rian, thank fuck.” Alex muttered, stalking off to get the door. 

“Is that Rian?” Jack called, climbing down the latter, a bottle of their Summer Daze Rosé in his hands. 

“Who else would it be?” Zack answered, still focused on his verdant weapon.

“I hope he brought his dogs.” 

However, Jack was disappointed when Alex returned with the last member of their band, but no dogs in sight. 

“Damn.”

“Alright.” Alex clapped his hands to get their attention. “Dear friends, we are gathered here today to map out our next plan of attack.”

The sound of soup being sipped could be heard in the background.

“For too long, Loaf Land has hoarded away the carbonated water, the special ingredient used in White Claw.”

“You hate White Claw.” Rian pointed out.

Alex waved him off. “Carbonated water is used in other things, Rian.”

“Like Wifi routers.” Zack offered.

“But mainly, White Claw.” Jack interjected.

Alex rolled his eyes, “Sure. What it’s for doesn’t matter. What matters is that, carbonated water is our ticket to taking over the world.”

Rian shook his head. “I don’t see how any of this connects, but okay.”

“It’s kind of the same concept as, “Stacy’s Mom”.” Jack attempted to help his friend understand, “You don’t really understand it, but you sing along anyway.”

“Jack, that doesn’t help me at all.”

“Hey, we’re getting off track.” Alex regrouped the band, “We need to focus on what’s important.”

“Which is?” Rain raised an eyebrow, still apprehensive of the whole thing.

Alex rubbed his hands together with malicious intent. “Preparing our armies. My goats are ready.”

“I found a bunch of people willing to help our cause in exchange for White Claw.” Jack told them, finally managing to get the Rosé bottle open.

Zack sheathed his Kale sword, finally giving the group his undivided attention. 

“Loaf Land’s numbers are no match for my health food employees. We can’t be beat. It’s been scientifically proven.”

“By what science?” Rian inquired.

“The sciencey kind.”

The drummer glanced at his friends, a bit dumbfounded. They’d dragged him all the way from Nashville for this? Though he couldn’t help but give in, not wanting to be the odd man out. 

“Well, you know what they say.” He finally answered their expectant gazes. “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”

“Hell yeah!” Jack cheered.

“Then its decided.” Alex confirmed. “In the name of White Claw, we ride at dawn, bitches.”

* * *

When the sun rose on Loaf Land the next day, The Loaf gang was ready. 

They drew their battle lines. Angie was in front, on her trusty horse, MacGyver, Bread Sword in hand. Her armies of both sentient cats, and gummy bears were lined behind her.

On her left, Jackie sat atop her Elephant, Jaz borrowing the giraffe, and Oat was placed to her right, astride his sentient hat. His four foot bread hat made him look even more intimidating than the fact that he was currently mounted on a giant fedora that could think for itself.

Talia, Shar, Caitlin, and Mo were behind them, each occupying their own horses. 

Angie had a determined look on her face, her green eyes blazing from beneath her bread mask. 

All Time Low would not succeed in stealing Loaf Land’s precious carbonated water. 

_Not today, Fuckers._ She thought.

It was as if the thought had manifested the army into their timeline, because the moment the words passed through her head, four figures advancing on the land could be made out against the horizon line. 

“Here they come.” Oat whispered, making sure his hat was fastened tightly on his head.

“We’ll be fine.” DJ reassured him from where she was manning the bread cannons, also known as, The Loaf Launchers. 

As the band drew closer, they could see Zack and Alex in the lead, Zack wielding a six foot Kale sword. Jack and Ryan were behind them, each carrying a t-shirt launcher loaded with White Claw cans. 

Their armies trailed behind them, armed with all sorts of contraptions. There were goats with wizard hats, health food employees with giant carrot lightsabers, and a group of finely dressed men in tuxedos, carrying launchers similar to the ones Jack and Rian held. 

Angie could tell by their numbers, that this would not be an easy fight. But nonetheless, she had faith in her children.

When the armies stood no more than maybe fifteen meters apart, they stopped, each one sizing the other up. 

“Mother Loaf!” Alex called. “For too long you have stored away the carbonated water. But that ends today!” Cries of enthusiasm sounded behind him. “Today, All Time Low will crush you on our conquest for unlimited wifi.”

“And White Claw!” Jack added

Alex sighed, “Yes, and White Claw. But with unlimited WiFi, we will be able to take over the world. This is your last chance to surrender.”

Angie’s eyes narrowed further. “I’ve faced worse.” The Loaf mother responded.

Alex nodded, taking in her response. 

“So.” He began again, “You have chosen death.”

“No.” Angie remained calm as ever. “You have chosen defeat. The Loaf Gang always prevails.”

Silence fell over the clearing, each leader daring the other to make the first move. 

Finally, Alex raised an arm. 

“Charge!”

“LOAF CHILDREN! RISE! FULL LOAF POWER AHEAD!”

“THIS IS FOR INTERRUPTING CHAPTER 32 OF THRONE OF GLASS” Talia shouted, charging ahead of everyone, clearly angered that her reading had been interrupted. 

Angie and MacGyver surged forward to catch up, Jackie only a few strides behind them.

The battlefield became a raging hellfire mess.

There were lentils, White Claw, and skittles flying everywhere. 

No one could tell which way was up and which way was down. Full chaos had erupted. 

Angie had to hand it to All Time Low. These Carrot-Lightsaber-Things were quite difficult to beat. She could see the cracks forming in her baguette sword already. 

But the Loaf Gang would not be beat. 

From the corner of her eye, she could see the Oat expertly fending off Alex’s goat army by throwing loaves of bread off his hat in the opposite direction, causing them all to chase after it. 

The combat raged on for the length of a good Green Day album and a half, before both armies became visibly tired. 

The clearing looked like a compost bin, littered with vegetables, gummy worms, and trampled White Claw cans.

Angie and Alex faced each other from where they’d been locked in an intense staring contest for the last ten minutes, neither one giving in. 

“Give us the carbonated water.” He growled

Angie shook her head, “No. I know what you want it for. I refuse to allow you to steal our wifi.”

“But don’t you see?” Alex tried to persuade her, “It’s the only way. Carbonated Water can give us Carbonated Wifi which is essentially, Unlimited Wifi. With the powers of the internet we can stream Wake Up Sunshine endlessly, and become the world’s most powerful band.”

“I thought we already were?” Jack cut in. He’d been standing off to the side, watching the argument unfold, while munching on Zack’s Kale Sword that he’d expertly stolen.

Angie shook her head again. “I can’t let you do that. The wifi is too precious to us here. Our community thrives off of shitposts and memes, without it we would perish.”

“Y’all, what if you just shared the wifi?” Rian put in from where he and Jenny had gotten bored with the fighting and decided to create a livestream with running commentary instead.

Alex looked like he wanted to interject, but then closed his mouth, considering this. 

He glanced over at Jack. “Bro, why didn’t we think of this in the first place?”

Jack shrugged, handing the half eaten Kale sword off to one of Alex’s goats. “‘Cause I wanted unlimited White Claw.”

“I thought you said this was for the good of the band.”

“It is.” Jack reasoned. “White Claw makes me happy, and I’m part of the band, therefore, it's for the good of the band.”

Angie was completely taken aback by this reasoning, and by the looks of it, so were her comrades. 

“That’s the most elaborate bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life.” Jaz remarked.

DJ nodded, agreeing with her. “Yeah, It's right up there with, “I’m above soap”. “

Normally, Angie would have bristled at the soap comment, because, c’mon, DJ, that was _one_ _time_ , and she hadn’t been entirely sober when she’d said it, but she was too busy pondering Rian’s suggestion. 

Perhaps they _could_ share the wifi?

After all it would end this fighting and allow her and her Loaf Children to go back to watching their Little Einsteins Marathon.

She looked around at her fellow loaf children. They all seemed completely drained. 

Yes. She would agree to these terms. 

And who knew, if All Time Low was their ally, then Loaf Land could become the strongest nation to ever exist. 

She lowered her bread sword and extended her hand. 

“Very well. We shall share the wifi.”

Alex returned the gesture, looking relieved that the fighting was over. 

“Deal.”

And that my children, is how All Time Low became, All Time Loaf, the most powerful band to ever exist. 

Did any of this make sense?

No.

Do I care? 

No.

The End.

  
  



End file.
